I became an empty nester when all of my children moved out. I use the term moved out loosely—Post-pandemic (which, to me, is still pretty darn pandemic; people still get COVID-19, or is it COVID-24? ...regardless, the government doesn't care). There's fake independence we're taught: turn 18, move out, acquire lots of debt, start a family, go bankrupt, and then start it all over. The world left after the pandemic almost unrecognizable then the one we had in 2020.
So, yes, while my kids moved out, they are way too damn busy to be home... when I'm awake. It's like living with the whispers of kids. I can smell sweet and musky bath and body work scents as I go from room to room, switching off lights and closing doors. Fresh produce I didn't buy sits on shelves in my fridge, waiting to be pushed behind the soy milk and become a lettuce popsicle, primarily due to the dial on our old fridge. I want to respect her boundaries, so I leave the produce to expire and throw it away with my expired produce. Apparently, my whisper child and I desire to eat healthier but ignore the feeling of being healthy if pizza or french fries are available.
I wondered who I was without children to tell me what to do all day. I mean, I knew I was a mom, but mommying is all I knew—spoiler alert. My adult kids thought I could have done a better job. That's for another post. So here are a couple of things to remember when preparing for life with whisper children.
Eat the foods you enjoy
Start thinking about food. This step is easy for me because I'm always thinking about it. However, think about food through fresh eyes. (the ones not clogged with peanut butter and banana peels.)
As a Black mother of four, I was food insecure. I kept a running grocery list, and when my food stamps became available, I dragged my complaining and irritated kids down to the store and bought nothing but necessities, which is why they were irritated; no one wanted to tag along to get the raw chicken to eat two night in the future.
It turns out that I was no longer responsible for buying food for my starving children, who starved two times more than the regular allotted
starving allowance when they were bored. I was free to eat anything I wanted. That's when things got tricky. What did I like to eat? Macaroni and cheese took no time to prepare, and all those carbs filled those growing bellies. Although I love carbs, this aging thing makes it harder to enjoy. Check this out. I can buy food that's better for me. My meals don't need to be carb-heavy and last three or four days. I can eat fresh organic food and cook for just one night. The empty nest phase is a great time to try new recipes and foods without anyone making fun of the color or smell.
Find your passion
Full disclosure: I started having kids when I was seventeen, so my passion before becoming a mom was watching my siblings and ditching school. I enjoyed English class because it allowed me to do some creative writing. But that was it. So, what did I like to do? Staying at home, living with a chronic illness, and living in extreme poverty were all I was qualified for at the time. However, after recovering from cervical cancer treatment (more about that in another post), I volunteered to share my cancer journey at an event hosted by my local community health center. Guess what? I like talking about me to as many people as possible. I'm not a performer, but it is a good feeling when people think I have something important to say. Unlike my kids. Hm. That last bit sounds like I might need some therapy.
Discover your partner again.
Together, we have six adult children. His children aren't all that into me, and it's mutual. (that'll be a different blog for sure) So, any children-related stuff was my project. I was the emotional support and advice giver; he was the pick them up from practice at a friend's house or drop them off at the game person. It was a good balance. What do you do when those obligations stop obligating? My husband and I bought an 85' TV and started binging shows we heard were good. A lot of the shows were outdated, and the content showed. Well, for me, it did.
My husband likes off-colored, crass comedy. We watched all 12 seasons of The Big Bang Theory. Around season four, I asked Jason which character he liked. To my surprise, he chose Sheldon. He said all Sheldon's fears and idiosyncrasies reminded him of himself. Could my husband have ADHD or OCD or both? (the findings on that will be a different post) Long story short, we figured out how to communicate better and more effectively. If you don't have a ton of people vying for your attention, anything is possible, even understanding more about your husband.
Give yourself some grace.
Everyone will have a different experience depending on children, pets, parents, siblings, careers, etc. The best advice I have is to embrace whatever becomes your new normal. Kids were all I knew, from raising my siblings in the early 70s to starting my own family in the early 90s. Be willing to accept things have dramatically changed from before momminess. The wonderful part is you can take your time. Get to know you better. The you who's only obligation is herself.
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